I've been thinking a lot for the past few months. Mostly, I've been thinking through writing in my diary, but I ran out of pages and I took to thinking by myself more. It makes me realize things -things that I realize and don't forget. For example, the other day, I realized why I constantly think I'm being annoying and a general pain. Throughout the majority of my school life after fourth grade, people told me to stop being annoying and to let them be. Given that how I acted was part of my personality (and still is, I think), now that I care, I think that it subconsciously got to me and is making me feel as though I'm being annoying every time that I speak. Of course, I can't say that I can change it (or at least not very easily). I don't know how to go about consciously changing a subconsciously-affected thought process when I don't even know for sure if I'm really being annoying or if people are lying to make me feel better (though at times I also start worrying that people don't care about making me feel better anyway, but that's another story).
Normally, I may come up with a thought or idea and then change my opinion on it a few hours later. As I've continued through these past couple of months, I won't say that I'll definitely be getting better or worse because I know that it fluctuates more than anything else between depression and happiness induced by temporarily forgetting the causes of the depression. As it stands, though, I think I've finally settled on a realistic solution that I can live with at this time.
My main problem is that I feel unimportant and unloved -that in relative terms I don't matter that much to people, and that I'm seen as an addition to their circles of friends rather than an actual part of it. I also realize that there is nothing to do about it and part of it is my own fault for keeping to myself for the past fifteen years. There is nothing that can be done about it, and I do not expect somebody to try. I've tried what I could in the hopes that it will get better, but it hasn't and I feel the same. At the same time, I don't want to simply get used to it.
My decision now is at least slightly better than depression. I'll never be used to my problems now nor do I wish to do so; however, I'm going to try to be happy even though I'm really not, and at least act like I'm happy because as much as I want attention and to be able to talk to someone, I also don't want for people to think badly of me for it. I believe that the term is resignation.
I do not need help identifying the problems. I know what they are. This is how I'm dealing with them. Perhaps they may be stereotypical of teenage years; I don't really care. People don't understand me to the degree that I would wish them to, but that is my fault for not being able to express myself correctly and being constantly afraid of reproach.
I still haven't discovered why I am so afraid of reproach. Perhaps it is because my greatest fear is to lose my friends, and that fear is intensified because of my own perception of the instability of the relationships. I don't know. It'll come to me eventually.
I feel better when I talk to people when they're by themselves. I think I know the reason for that, at least. When they're around others, I can see very clearly that they care more for their other friends than for me. When it's just me and someone else, it is less evident.
To be honest, I've resigned myself to resignation, but I'm still not sure how exactly to deal with it. Whenever I talk to people about this, the answers I get usually consist of them either telling me my problems or them trying to countermand what I am feeling. It doesn't really work. I think I need to speak heart to heart with someone, but I don't know who or when. I don't even know how I would talk about what's getting to me. I've talked to my three best friends about it, but none of it helped that much. And I'm not trying to blame them or anyone, because I'm sure they're trying their best and I know that it's my fault more than anything else; I just don't know who I can turn to for an intimate conversation. It seems to me everyone is either too busy, I get the feeling they wouldn't really want to talk to me about it, or I get the feeling I wouldn't be accomplishing anything in the conversation. In any case I wouldn't know what to say. There hundreds of things that I want to say, but I'm afraid to say some and can't phrase the others the way I want them to sound.
This entry isn't really anything more than me writing my thoughts. I think that I'm done with asking for help because I've realized that none of it works. I feel like I'm a terrible friend at times, one who's pretending to be happy at the same time as he's being annoying, and I find it hard to take anyone's word for it that I'm not. There's really nothing to be done about it, so why make myself feel worse thinking that there is? I won't be happy, there's nothing to be done about it, and I don't want to just get used to it, so I figure the only remotely optimistic solution left is to accept it and wait, and perhaps occasionally hope that it'll get better.